John Key, the Prime Minister of New Zealand, insisted that he was not a shape-shifting, reptiian alien. Photo: duco_events

John Key, the Prime Minister of New Zealand, insisted that he was not a shape-shifting, reptiian alien. Photo: duco_events

Shape-shifting, reptilian aliens were popularized by the infamous wackjob, David Icke, who trumpeted that they held positions of power on Earth and aimed to enslave humanity. The Prime Minister of New Zealand, John Key, has denied that he is one such and affirmed that he is, instead, “just an ordinary Kiwi bloke.” He declared that he had seen both a doctor and a vet who had confirmed the fact. He alleged that he has never been in outer space and “my tongue’s not overly long, either.”

Key spoke after a response was made by letter through his chief of staff, Wayne Eaglestone, to an Official Information Act request made on January 30 by writer, Shane Warbrooke. Warbrooke had asked for “any evidence to disprove the theory that Mr John Key is in fact a David Icke style shapeshifting (sicx2) reptilian alien ushering humanity towards enslavement.” In the letter, Eaglestone conceded that no official documentation exists to support the denial. Key won elections in 2008 and 2011 and plans a third term. Warbrooke lamented that the response took 20 days, the maximum allowed.

So all we have is a verbal denial and the admission that there is no documentary evidence. How could it be proven whether Key is a reptilian? A number of methods have been proposed. Certainly, if Key downs a mouse in one gulp, that is a dead giveaway.

Orgonite is made from powdered metal and crystal, resin and micro-orgone. It supposedly brings life force to an area, although this claim is not supported by science. You could make some yourself. The name is a trademark owned by Karl Welz. Reptilians are said to hate the smell of it, so some could be waved under Key’s nose. It is hoped that Welz is not the author of this supposition.

Online, people have declared that reptilians are obsessed with reptiles, to the extent of having tattoos of them. Key is not known to possess such a tattoo, but it would be worthwhile to engage in sexual congress with him to settle the matter, and one would be entitled to wonder if ever he did take an excessive interest in things reptilian.

Reptiles lack that part of the brain that governs music. They hear it as noise. Nothing is known of Key’s musical tastes, and questioning him in this regard could be productive. He claimed that attending the Parachute (music) Festival in 2011 was one of the best things he did that year, and in such a situation, perhaps one could closely observe the gentleman to see whether he truly liked what he heard.

According to David Icke, reptilian aliens are unable to feel empathy. Once more, close observation of Key is called for. He has often been photographed with children and animals, just like Hitler.

“Breathing Technique to Expose Human / Reptilian Hybrids” gets 44,000 hits on Google. The method is to fill one’s heart with love, take at least three deep breaths, exhale while saying, “Yahweh” and imagine the love going into the person before you.

The more people are involved, the more effective it will be. It works better if shoes are removed. Breathing is one of the most fundamental elements of spirituality. The heart is a hundred-fold more powerful generator than the brain, and also the seat of G-d. If the target is a reptoid, they will act nervously and clumsily. While anyone might be discomfited by some lunatic engaging in heavy breathing and chanting, “Yahweh … Yahweh … Yahweh,” many people attest to the success of this method, and 44,000 hits is not to be sniffed at.

In 2013, Key’s daughter, 20-year-old, Stephanie, an art student at a prestigious Paris institution, caused a stir when she posed for raunchy photographs that were used at Paris Design Week. Key professed himself “very proud” of this piece of curriculum work. New Zealand fashion photographer, Chris Sisarich, told the Herald on Sunday newspaper that Stephanie clearly has talent. And her titties look interesting, too.

The Facebook group, John Key – Worst Prime Minister in New Zealand history has only 77 likes. After appearing on stage at the Parachute Festival 2014, his movement was impeded by a horde of people wishing to meet him and have photographs taken in his company. But he does have lofty, reptilian eyes.